Managing The Basics

When Katie – yes, the same Katie who is always right – gave me my meal plan last week, it included two servings of grains at breakfast. And I did that. For like, a day. Then, in my infinite wisdom, I decided that was one grain too many. I mean, obviously, my dietary knowledge is much greater than Katie’s, and I have such an impressive track record with making wise food choices, that it was perfectly logical to take the meal plan Katie made and “improve” it. Obviously.

Katie, however, was not particularly understanding about meal plan revision. During our phone session last night, she reminded me, firmly and frequently, that she is always right. Which basically means that anything I want to do that doesn’t match up with what she wants me to do is…. wrong.

Rats. Foiled again.    

So I must now add the grain back to my MP. But, as Katie pointed out, I’m not really “adding” it because it’s been on my MP all along. I was just flat out totally refusing to eat it because I feel like it will make me fat  “forgetting” it.

We’ve moved that second grain to one of my snacks to remedy the situation. This way I’ll still be eating one grain at breakfast, and I’ll get what should have been my second breakfast grain in later in the day.

Only a person with an ED could spend 232 words and five paragraphs detailing her relationship with 20 grams of carbohydrates. I guess it really is a “disorder.”

Enough with the politics. Lets get on to what you all come here for, really: my chaotic ramblings about my life.

Jess has started physical therapy.

Falon is rocking nursing school. This woman missed a month of classes in the aftermath of Clay’s death but is now back on track and again at the top of her class. If that wasn’t amazing enough before, now she is doing it as a single mom.

Aubree (“Aubie” to all of us who love her) is full steam ahead with the potty training. Of course she never thinks about having to pee until she realizes someone else is in the (one and only) bathroom, so it is common to hear her little fists pounding on the bathroom door as she shrieks, “I have to PEEEEEEEEEEE! Now!”

Dabe (aka, my husband, Uncle Gabe) has jumped into the roll of Aubie’s father-figure 110% and she demands that he “tover me up”  (pull the covers up) before she goes to bed. He eats this up, and you should see him beam with pride as she smothers him with hugs and “smooches” when we leave to go home.

The amazing tattooing Beck-ster and I are going to be meeting up in C-ville at the end of the month. Perhaps by then I will have “Dabe” convinced of the necessity of a tattoo.

Brooke and her boy are headed “back east” in the middle of October and I am so looking forward to hooking up with them in DC. When I’m in the city I’m hoping to meet up with Meredith, too, for some much needed and long neglected friend-time.

Ames is renewing her baptismal vows in Chicago in October, and Lord willing and the crick don’t rise, I’ll be there with bells on. Ok, maybe no bells, but def. clothes. Clothes are a good thing. This means I should be around for a Monday session of Alumni at ABBHH and have a session with Katie face-to-face. I’m thinking  “sessions” with Vicki and Heidi would be wonderful, too. Ames and I were supposed to go to the 2008 NEDA Conference in Austin, TX together this weekend, but financial difficulties and time constraints prevailed. Our October reunion is LONG overdue.

As for me, well, I’ve cut my gym time back to what Katie recommends, because we all know that Katie is always right. Today marks day 10 of no binging and purging! I’m working hard at following the MP Katie made for me 100%, but sometimes I start obsessing about calories and restrict a snack here, or a dairy there. This is bad. I know better. I also know that when I have my phone session with Katie tonight she is going to kick my butt.

I’m writing up a storm and thinking of floating an outline to some publishing houses. Pipe dream, probably, but to see my name in print would be magical.

No person who has ever walked this earth, save one, is above reproach. When I vote for someone I am under no allusion that he or she is a flawed human being, just as I myself am flawed. To blindly vote along party lines is to fail in my duty as a citizen. Choices need to be based on data, not feelings, not propaganda, not party affiliation.

I found the following information at www.politicalcompss.organd I think it is interesting information that reaffirms the necessity of really knowing what the public person you admire actually believes or does.

As Attorney General Robert Kennedy approved the wire tapping of Martin Luther King, Jr.

In 1999, as Governor of Texas, George W. Bush signed legislation permitting doctors to remove patients from life support regardless of the patient’s family wishes.

In 1990, six months after his release from prison, Nelson Mandela accepted a $10 million donation from Suharto, the Indonesian dictator, who himself routinely used political  imprisonment as a tool of intimidation.

Mother Theresa was an enthusiastic and uncritical guest of  the dictatorships of Haiti and Albania, and supported the Phalangist Party in Lebanon.

In 1998, George H.W. Bush wrote that to invade and occupy Iraq would turn the Arab world against us, create further instability in the region, and result in an un-winnable urban guerrilla war.

Martin Luther advocated the destruction of synagogues and the denial of passports to Jews, and wrote that concerning women, “The word and working of God is quite clear; that women were made to be either wives or prostitutes.”

In 1997, Al Gore supported the privatization of the California’s National Oil Reserve and the subsequent drilling, which created environmental damage and destroyed a sacred Native American burial ground.

No one’s hands are clean. It is disingenuous for any political or religious figure (who are becoming one and the same) to claim he or she maintains un-impeachable moral authority. I am so tired of hearing them try. Let’s get this election over with and move our national focus to what really matters: creating a country we can all be proud of, all the time.

Saudi: OK to kill owners of ‘immoral’ TV networks

The Associated Press
Friday, September 12, 2008; 10:38 AM

RIYADH, Saudi Arabia — Saudi Arabia’s top judiciary official has issued a religious decree saying it is permissible to kill the owners of satellite TV networks that broadcast immoral content.

Today’s Washington Post reports that the journal Health Affairs, published Tuesday, has analyzed both McCain’s and Obama’s proposed health care plans and that neither are going to deliver what the United States needs, and what every  American deserves: equal access to the highest quality care for all, regardless of socio-economic status.

Here’s the link to the WaPo article:

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2008/09/16/AR2008091600310.html?hpid=sec-health

And here’s the link to Health Affairs:

http://content.healthaffairs.org/index.dtl

The Washington Post decided not to run this, so now I can post it on my blog for all the world to read.

Conservative commentators and bloggers have found a hero in Sarah Palin. After months of speculation that McCain might select a pro-choice running mate, the airways and blogs are full of praise for the Alaska governor. Sarah Palin is a candidate who does more than just talk about being pro-life, she lives pro-life. Five months ago Palin and gave birth to her youngest child, son Trig, who was prenatally diagnosed with Down Syndrome.

Trig’s birth, along with Palin’s opposition to abortion even in cases of rape, have earned her a hero’s welcome among Republicans who view this election as a chance to reverse Roe v. Wade and end American’s “abortion on demand” culture. Her supporters look to her in awe and talk about how brave she was to be a professional working mother of four and then to welcome another child, one with special needs, into her family.

But how brave is she really?

In 2007, Sarah and Todd Palin had a combined income of over $175,000, more than twice the median income for a family of seven living in Alaska. Palin and her family have full health insurance coverage. It has been reported that Palin’s parents, Charles and Sarah Heath, live nearby and are actively involved in providing child care for the young Palins while the governor and her husband are working. Sarah Palin is also blessed with a supportive church family willing to pitch in when needed.

I do not begrudge Gov. Palin any of her financial success or positive family and social support. Undoubtedly, her financial success is the result of hard work and sacrifice, both on her part and on the part of her husband. In an ideal world, everyone would have strong family ties and live in a community that takes care of its own. But while I am glad that she has found wealth and a supportive social network, it is those very things that make choosing to raise Trig not a thing of bravery at all.

To be brave means to be afraid of action, but to do it anyway. What did Gov. Palin have to be afraid of? She is a wealthy woman, with unlimited and unfettered access to the highest quality health care, and has a large, caring, and healthy family to help her raise her children. Palin does not have to worry about who will care for her children while she and her husband work. She can afford the best occupational therapy for Trig. Much has been made of the fact that she does her own grocery shopping. She does not have to worry about running out of food at the end of the month.

I applaud Palin’s choice to raise her son. For a child to be aborted because of a chromosomal defect is abhorrent and immoral. While Palin did the right thing, let us save the “bravery” accolades for those women who deserve it: the women who chose to raise babies as they live paycheck to paycheck, or who lack health insurance. As Palin enjoys the financial and medical benefits of her position, will she work to ensure that all mothers and children have access to the same health care as she and Trig have? Will she work to create programs that assist mothers who do not have partners or families to help them?

Gov. Palin was lucky that when faced with the news that her unborn child would be born with Down Syndrome she did not feel like there was any choice to be made. Unfortunately, many pregnant mothers do not share her good fortune. Should Palin become the next Vice President of the United States she will be in the unique position to implement policies and programs that give Americans in need access to the same quality health care and community support that has been so vital to her and her family. The question is, will she?  

Accountability time.

If When I make it through today, that will mark nine days with NO binging/purging.

Katie gave me my new meal plan on Saturday, and I followed it 100% on Sunday and 100% on Monday.

I don’t remember if how well I did yesterday because I made a bad choice yesterday and took 2.5mg of alprazolam, rather than the 0.5mg that is prescribed for me. Yeah. I’m just now realizing that I took five times as much as I should have. Gabe asked me who much I took, and I told him 2 and a half, but I’m pretty sure he thinks I took 2 and a half tablets, NOT 2 and a half milligrams. (Two and a half tablets would be 1.25 mg.)

For the record, I wasn’t trying to hurt myself, and 2.5mg of alprazolam isn’t enough to hurt any healthy adult, anyway. It is enough, however, to make me blur out.

Here’s what happened: yesterday at work was bad. As Coach Adams would say, “It was B-A-D terrible!.” I don’t feel that I an write what happened for all the internet to read, but I think I can safely say this – I do my job very well. I just had my 90 day review and got a glowing report from my supervisor. I get along well with everyone here. My projects are always completed well before deadline and I go out of my way to help out my co-workers whenever I can. But yesterday that meant nothing, and I was yelled at by another employee who threatened to quit, claiming their doing so would be 100% my fault.

That was in the morning, and the day went down hill from there. I was mad, terrified, anxious, and totally out of sorts. So I skipped my snack and didn’t eat all of my lunch.

Yes, I realize that restricting my calories is not the logical consequence of being stressed out. I wasn’t being logical at the time.

I was physically shaking when I got home and I was so tense that my shoulders, neck, back, and stomach all hurt. I did a healthy thing, and I ate yogurt and some strawberries to make up for what I had missed earlier in the day. But before I did that, I took the alprazolam to help me calm down.

And that is all I clearly remember. I don’t remember eating dinner or my PM snack or taking my Cymbalata and Seroquel. However, I also don’t remember Gabe getting home from work, watching a movie with him, putting my pjs on and going to bed — all of which Gabe told me I did do. So I may very well have eaten dinner and my snack and taken my meds, but there is also the possibility I didn’t.

So I’m going to hope that I did. But, in the interest of honesty and integrity, I’m going to report to Katie that I didn’t.

I’m on track today. I’ve followed my MP for breakfast and I’m about to eat my morning snack. One meal at a time. One tablet alprazolam at a time.

All things in moderation.

Do not let it be said that this strict vegetarian has never done her part to control the animal population.

I met a suicidal deer this morning on my way to the clinic. Apparently said deer had not been taking his meds as prescribed, nor utilizing positive social support. Unfortunately, we will never know what his “issue/topic/comment” would have been for group today, because rather than call Access and ask for an intake evaluation, he decided to take matters into his own hands hoofs and run head first into my car.

Death was instantaneous and he did not suffer. My car, however, is in need of medical assistance.

Other than being racked with guilt, and the perverse pleasure that in the eight years that Gabe and I have been together – each of which he has bought a hunting license – I have now killed one more deer than he has, and I didn’t even have to go traipsing around in the cold woods to find it, I am fine.

Note to self,

“Self, if you start counting calories on your meal plan you are going to start thinking of ways to restrict.”

“Self, if you start thinking of ways to restrict, you are going to start justifying the restriction to yourself.”

“Self, if you justify the restriction to yourself, you are going to start restricting a little bit.”

“Self, if you start restricting a little bit, you are going to start looking for ways to restrict more.”

“Self, if you start looking for ways to restrict more, you are going to start justifying more restriction.”

“Self, if you start justifying more restriction, you are going to restrict more.”

“Self, if you restrict more, you will get uncomfortably hungry.”

“Self, if you get uncomfortably hungry, you will binge.”

“Self, if you binge, you will purge.”

“Self, if you purge, you will feel disgusting and ashamed.”

“Self, if you feel disgusting and ashamed, your depression will get worse.”

“Self, when your depression gets worse it is harder to follow your meal plan.”

“Self, if it is harder to follow your meal plan, you won’t follow your meal plan.”

“Self, if you don’t follow your meal plan, Katie is going to kick your butt.”

“Self, if Katie kicks your butt, its going to hurt. Really hurt. Really hurt, bad.”

I don’t like the f-word. The three letter one, I mean. (Ok, I don’t like the four letter one, either, but that isn’t what I’m talking about right now. And I must admit that on occasions I’ve even been know to let that one slip out of my mouth.)

But, since we all know that Katie is always right, I have to eat it (the three letter f-word) whether I want to or not. I not want to. I really really not want to.

I just ate a huge dinner because Katie told me I had to. I just ate a healthy dinner because my dietitian, who I trust, knows what I need to eat to beat my ED. And, of course, Katie is always right.

Here’s what was on the menu tonight: a veggie burger on a bun, vanilla yogurt, and cooked carrots with butter and a pinch of brown sugar. Given my druthers, I would have had the veggie burger alone, without the bun, and the carrots plain, without the brown sugar and butter. I would have started the yogurt but not finished it. But my druthers are not healthy druthers, and since Katie is always right I listened to her druthers instead.

In about an hour I’m going to have some popcorn for my snack. My meal times got all out of whack today because I was at the gym from 11:30 until 2:00 and didn’t eat lunch until after I got home and took a shower at almost 3:00. But that is not going to happen again because 1) eating meals at appropriate times is now a priority (because Katie told me it has to be) and 2) I can’t spend 2 and a half hours at the gym any more.

I’m off now to plan a week’s worth of healthy meals. Wish me luck.