Managing The Basics

Palpitations. Vertigo. Blurred vision. Abdominal pain. Flatulence. Chills. Weight changes. Musckoskeltal pain. Dysgeusia. Lethargy. Parasthesia. Anxiety. Decreased libido. Nervousness. Abnormal dreams. Anorgasmia. Pruritus.

These are all the adverse conditions that 1 out of 100 participants in Cymbalta’s clinic trials reported while taking Cymbalta. It is important to realize that though these events occurred while the patients were taking Cymbalta, there is no way of knowing if the events occurred because  the patient was taking Cymbalta.

That said, all medications have side effects. I’m taking a total of 120mg of Cymbalta every day (this is twice the maximum dose approved by the FDA for major depression, but it is actually a common dose for patients like me with severe mental illness) and here is a run down of the side effects I deal with:

1. Flatulence. Charming, I know. I never was particularly lady-like, anyway

2. Weight change. BUT – more than likely my weight gain is a result of my binging and rather ineffective purging rather than the Cymbalta.

3. Lethargy. BUT – I have no way of knowing how much of my lethargy is a symptom of my severe depression, or how much of it is because of the Cymbalta.

4. Parasthesia. Sometimes my fingers will tingle all day.

5. Decreased libido. This is another tricky one. Being depressed and hating your body aren’t great for one’s libido, either.

6. Abnormal dreams. Totally. Murdering kangaroos. Marrying Matt H. Flying on an airplane with a wild turkey. Drinking tea in the Green Zone.

Someone told me this week that she was afraid of medications and asked wasn’t I afraid of the side effects of Cymbalta, because, “it’s a drug with a lot of bad side effects, you know.”

As inconvenient and unpleasant as flatulence, weight gain, lethargy, parasthesia, decreased libido, and abnormal dreams are, I can’t say they scare me. The crazy dreams actually make for fun stories

What does scare me is going back to the way things were 14 months ago, pre-Cymbalta.

When I consider that a likely side effect of NOT taking Cymbalta is acting on my suicidal thoughts, the side effects that I can attribute to the Cymbalta don’t bother me at all.

This last week wasn’t the greatest by any standard.

I engaged in ED behavior.

I spent a lot of time crying.

Work sucked.

I was physically sick.

Gabe was sick.

Given all that, I was shocked when I realized a few minutes ago that I went the whole week without once fantasizing about killing myself. Not once did I play the scenario out in my head and think what a relief it would be to just not be living anymore.

I don’t know for certain if I never had the thought, “I should kill myself.” The thought itself has been so common place for awhile now that more than likely it did pop into my consciousness this week. But what I do know is that the thought of “I should kill myself” never went any further than that. I never once closed my eyes and imagined myself actually carrying through with it.

Yea me.

I had big plans for today.

I was going to get up, eat a healthy breakfast, and go to the gym. Then I was going to come home and clean house.

Instead I woke up with a fever, the chills, a sore throat, and one of those killer headaches. Not a pleasant way to start the weekend.

So I’ve spent the day in bed, resting and reading Mary HIggins Clark. Now I’m going to take a shower and the rest some more.

I don’t even have enough energy to even think about binging/purging. Blahhhhhhhhh.

60 mg Cymbalta BID.

100 mg Seroquel qHS.

50 mg Lamictal qD.

In English, this means I take a total of 270 mg of various psychotropic drugs every 24 hours. Every month I ingest roughly $1,000 worth of man made chemicals. My body swallows them, metabolizes them, and excretes the waste.

Somewhere in chain of events a miracle happens: those man made psychotropic substances fix a glitch in my brain. It’s not a perfect fix, but it is a significant fix. The fix is significant enough that I am able to get up each morning, go to work, do a good job, come home, and go to bed. That shouldn’t sound like a lot to someone who has never battled the foe of depression, but to someone who has it will sound like the huge accomplishment it is.

Without my meds I would be in the hospital right now. No doubt. (Ok, maybe some doubt – I could be dead and thus in the ground rather than the hospital.)

Like I said, its not a perfect fix. I’m on 50 mg of Lamictal right now because we’re tapering me off of it. My highest dose was 300 mg and now we’re weaning me off of it so we can try something different. I am under no allusions that medications are a cure-all for mental illness. The right meds save lives and help build lives, but they do not live lives. That is up to us, the people that take them, every day, even when we don’t want to, even when they cost an arm and a leg, even when there is a stigma attached to psychiatric prescriptions.

Rather than saying,  ”Anna, aren’t you afraid to be taking all those meds?” what you should really be saying, is “Anna, don’t you ever stop taking them.”

As if its any of your buisness anyway.

The writer of Fracture  and Mad Money  read my blog. And posted a comment. And he actually sounds like a really nice guy.

Glenn has asked that I make it clear that the anorexia lessons in his new movie  Disfigured  are not shown in a positive light, and they don’t work. Read his comment on my post “How I won’t be spending my Saturday night” for further explanation and to see for yourself how gracious and cool he is.

The fact that he took the time to read what I wrote and respond to it is actually making me rethink my decision not to see the movie. I haven’t changed my mind yet, but I am thinking about it. 

 I started this blog a few months ago to hash out my thoughts and feelings for myself and now someone like Glenn Gers is reading it.  Only in America and only on the Internet. Wow.

Binged/purged today. More than once. Decided that since I screwed up today that I may as well engaging in ED behaviors again tomorrow. Started planning how I was going to engage tomorrow.

Then a soft little voice in my head tried to make itself heard above the chaos. The voice said, “What you have done today does not justify what you may do tomorrow.”

Tomorrow will be a healthy day. I’m tired to abusing my body.

I don’t judge books by their covers. I chose the books I purchase by reading reviews, advice from friends, using Amazon to search for books by subject matter, and I also buy new books from writers I already know I love.

I don’t judge people by what other people say about them.

I don’t write off entire religions simply because it is the politically correct thing to do. I also don’t embrace entire religions because it is the politically correct thing to do.

I am, however, dismissing Glen Gerr’s new movie, Disfigured, out of hand.

It’s nothing personal, Glenn. I loved Fracture. I thought it was so good that I saw it twice: first in Chicago and then again at home with Gabe.

But I can’t bring myself to spend the money or the time to see a movie with a plot that revolves around a thin woman giving anorexia lessons to an obese woman. It just isn’t in me.

Glenn, you may mean well,  and you probably do mean well. You’ve stated that you wanted to make a movie that explores issues of appearance, control, and isolation. Good for you. Our society  needs that. What our society doesn’t need is a movie that reduces a life threatening illness like anorexia into something that can be “taught” in a series of “lessons.”

By not seeing the movie I may be missing a seminal work of cinematography.

That’s a risk I’m willing to take.

Long term care insurance is becoming a must have. I probably shouldn’t even say “becoming” – it is a must have. Medicare does not cover home-based care, and only provides 90 days of nursing home care. In Virginia, Medicaid does cover nursing home care, but to qualify for Virginia Medicaid you must spend down your income and assets to the state poverty level, which isn’t much.

The reality is that in this day and age it is irresponsible not to have long term care insurance. We are living longer and, thanks to modern medicine, are living longer with more serious diseases that require care our families are not able to provide alone.

The Clinic has just started offering LTC insurance, and the agents from John Hancock came today to explain the ins and outs and meet with us individually to discuss our options. My agent is a nice guy named Steve. He’s 32, but looks like he’s 12. No joke. True stroy: he was carded three years ago. FOR AN R-RATED MOVIE. But I digress.

I met with Steve and went over my medical history with him: depression, anorexia, bulimia. To which he said, “Well Anna, it was nice to meet you. I can give you an estimate of what LTC insurance would cost you if you’re approved by underwriting, but you’re not going to be approved, so lets not waste each other’s time. Ok?”

I guess people with mental illness just aren’t allowed to get old and need long term care. Because that’s fair, right?

The health section of CNN.com linked to my blog.

Wow.

Which is your most favorite book ever? To Kill a Mockingbird

What is your taste in music? I’m a proud product of the 1990s. Pearl Jam. Green Day. Nirvana.

Which is your favorite genre of movies ? (Comedy/ Romance/Suspense/Action/Horror) Anything. As long as it has either Will Smith, Denzel Washington, Morgan Freeman, Gwyneth Paltrow, Casey Affleck, or Laura Linney in it.

What do you do when you are feeling very sad or depressed? umm…. nothing healthy. Next question, please!

What makes your angry? Stupid people make me angry! And I get angry when people don’t live up to the principles they espouse.

Which is the best vacation you’ve ever had in your life? Chesapeake Bay with Gabe, summer of 2001.

If you could have a luncheon with any three people (real of fictitious/ from any time period, dead or alive) , which three people would you choose and why? Mary (The Virgin), Katherine Grahm, and Hannah Ardent because they did what women have to do in order to make history.

Which is your most cherished childhood memory? Hummm…. sleepovers at Nana’s house were fun, and so was trying on all of Grammie’s hats and giving “fashion shows” with my sister.

If given a complete freedom to start afresh, what profession would you choose and why? I’d be a health care policy analyst because someone has to do something to fix the mess the US is in.

What is your idea of fun? If given a choice to skip work for a day, how would you spend the entire day? Relaxing on the couch with a new book and a cuppa strong coffee.

Which is your favorite time of the day, are you a morning person or a night person? If I had my choice I’d be a night person, but I get up early for work, so I usually have to call it a day rather early.

What is the craziest thing you have ever done? Easy! Engage in eating disordered behaviors! Oh, you didn’t mean THAT kind of crazy???? In that case, it would have to be the time I peed by the side of the road on the way home from Mer’s 21st birthday party. (At least Gabe had toilet paper in his truck.)

Name one person whom you love the most and one person whom you hate the most. I love Gabe the most. The person I hate the most is the guy who decided that ramps would be a good thing to cook up and eat. Gross.

If given a choice, which animal would you want to be? Why? I’d be a caterpillar so that eventually I’d have a chance to be a butterfly.

Which is your most favorite place in this earth? Anywhere where Gabe is.

If you were stranded on a lonely beach, what are the five things that you would want to survive? Hot water, a coffee press, Starbuck’s French Roast ground coffee, a subscription to the Washington Post, and Gabe.