I really want to purge right now.
It’s late. G’s not home. I’m by myself. I’m tired. I’m depressed. The perfect storm for wanting to engage.
I feel so gross and fat. Yes, fat is a feeling – I don’t care what anyone else says.
I haven’t even binged today. Actually, it’s almost two weeks since I last binged and purged. But I really want to purge right this very second.
Instead of purging I’m going to take a hot shower and go to bed. On second thought, maybe I shouldn’t be in the bathroom right now. That would probably be flirting with temptation.
I’m going to sit with the feeling for 15 minutes. I can handle 15 minutes. I’m going to remember that G is so proud of refraining from binging/purging. I’m going to remember how yucky it makes me feel when I do it. I’m going to remember that I have to go to Dr. S tomorrow and let him know how I did this week.
What I wouldn’t give for 10 cc’s of Valium right now.
brooke said
*hugs* I know things are tough, but I just want you to know that I love you
managingthebasics said
I love you, too. Thanks for the words of encouragment, dear friend. I’m proud to say I just sat with it and didn’t act on it. I still felt like crap, but at least I felt like crap that didn’t puke her guts out. (Not sure if that is an consilation, but I’m take what I can get at this point.) Hugs.