Many of my friends are going to find this blog too hard to read, and there are those of you who I hope will make the healthy choice NOT to read it. I need an outlet, a way to process the thoughts that either fly through my head or drag sluggishly from my brain. That is what I will use this blog for. It will not be edited for the sake of others’ comfort.
Dr. L would be proud, or at least impressed, to know that I realize that my expressions about my commitment to recovery are in-congruent with my behavior. I proclaim my intent to stop my self-imposed starvation, but I count each calorie, measure each gram, and chose the least calorically dense food. I tell my RD that I will stop the cycle of binge/purge, but I still let myself be hungry and alone late at night when I’m tired and my defenses are down. I promised Dr. A that I am taking my antidepressants and antipyschotics as prescribed, but left out the part that I don’t take them on nights I drink and that drinking is becoming a problem in itself.
I must be either in complete denial, or impossibly hard-headed, to continue to tell one tale while actively living another. Hopefully, though, if I continue to say that I want to recovery, recovery will follow. Over the last hard years I have learned that recovery does not — perhaps cannot — come without accountability and a safe place for introspection. While my treatment team has suggested another “trip to the spa” (especially in light of today’s fucking abnormal EKG), this time I refuse to hide out on 2East in a state of suspended animation.
I’m working on making a life worth living. A life I won’t need to hide from. A life that doesn’t make another two month stint locked on 2East look appealing. I don’t know what this life will look like, other than it will not resemble anything I have experienced before. I don’t want a “managed eating disorder” and I don’t want to settle for dsythymia in place of major depression. Hopefully the first step in getting where I want to be is articulating my goal.
I will use this blog to help me find my voice, and to use it in place of abusing my body to communicate my struggles. I have yet to be successful in this endeavor and maybe I never will be. One thing is most likely certain: I will find peace with myself or may die trying. I want to chose peace.
